My friend Kelly wanted to buy a dog as soon as we all got out of nursing school so she could name it "Carbaminohemoglobin." She just liked the sound of it. It looks pretty intimidating, but if you break it down, it's really quite simple to say. It's even fun to say. Carb-amino-hemo-globin. Kelly said she wouldn't ever call her dog by a nick-name, like Carbi or Hemo or Globin, and she wouldn't let anyone else do so either. I lost track of her over the past few years but I'd bet dollars to donuts that somewhere right now, Kelly is standing in her front yard looking around for her dog and driving the neighbors crazy by yelling out repeatedly, "CARBAMINOHEMOGLOBINNNNNNN! CARBAMINOHEMOGLOBINNNNNN! CARBAMINO..." Well, you get the point.
My friend Susan and I have always agreed that every hospital should have a name committee. This committee would be comprised of people named Joe and Ann and Frank and they would approve or deny names based on how traumatizing it would be for a child to grow up with his or her chosen name. We've all heard names like Ima Hogg and Anita Mann and Richard Head (think about that one for a second), but today, names that sound beautiful and are quite eloquent, that glide off the tongue like satin rose petals and strawberry fluffy cloud stuffing (I'm reaching here, I know), can still be quite traumatic for a child. When you take the name Shayla and spell it Sheighlah, you're really setting your child up for some serious harrassment and confusion. They are NEVER going to be able to find a little bicycle license plate. They will never have anything personalized and will no doubt suffer serious self-identity issues later on in life, which they will most certainly blame you for.
I've seen names that were just crucified grammatically (I worked at child welfare services for a few years). Not barring the incredible abuse in naming twins (boy and girl) Devious and Latrine, consider also the name Reighleigh. Yes, that's pronounced Ri-ley! What purpose does this spelling serve? If these parents wanted their child to have an unusual name, why not just name her Enigma-Rowena or Cauliflower Lynn? What about Petalwind or Skylark or Indianacandleabra? Nobody is EVER going to spell this child's name correctly, and most people who look at a really long spelling of a name don't even try to prounounce it correctly. So your little Reighleigh is going to suffer it from the very first day of elementary school when the teachers, principal, bus-drivers and other students look at her little name tag and call her "Rigley," "Rahrah," and "Hey you."
So I've come up with a few rules for this future name committee to abide by when accepting and rejecting names:
- No names that are hard to pronounce (or hard to spell). And I'm not talking about very long names either. I'm talking about names that move your mouth in unnatural positions, like the name Coral. It's a beautiful word, but it's hard to say. Try it out loud. It hurts.
- No names that remind people of disgusting places. (Latrine, Industria, Infirmia, or Junkyard).
- Nothing that reminds people of body parts or compromising positions. (The phonetic Famaly--which is spelled f-e-m-a-l-e, Cherry, Ariela, Clamydia, Peter, Dick, or Fondel).
- Absolutely no exclusively female names for boys: Stacey, Sue, Shannon, Laurie, or Valerie.
- And last, but certainly not least, no names which easily rhyme with derrogatory words: Fatty Latty, Skinny Minnie, Crazy Tracy (oh wait, that's me)