Color is everywhere. The trees all look so beautiful. The weather is warm. LTD and I are planning a vacation to Florida in June. I'm still not going out of the house and my symptoms are sprouting up here and there like mad, but life continues to go on. Yesterday my doctor put me on yet another new medication. When I ask him to discontinue some, he adds more. Maybe I should tell him I need more medication and get the results I need. Everything is reverse psychology with them.
My food is poisoned. No matter what I eat, it makes me sick. The medication is toxic, I'm convinced. I wish I had the time and money to go to one of those spa get-aways where they totally cleanse your system of everything. I don't think I'm going to feel good until I'm clean. And putting these chemicals into my body every day and night is not helping. I can avoid food...I do it easily by just eating when LTD is around. I'm not purging, though I've thought of it. I'm losing weight.
And every once is a while, I feel myself being taken over. LTD has been a life-sustaining force. She keeps me grounded. She keeps me safe. I wish I could let her totally inside my brain--she would so slay this beast. It doesn't seem like I can do it from the outside, but I have my own ammunition. I'm looking forward to going to Florida, so I can't be sick. I can't go into the hospital. My family is depending on me to stick this through. And I will, as long as the toxins don't overwhelm the system. Poison. How insidious it is!
I fight. I fight. I fight.
Keep fighting! The meds suck, but consider the alternative. My mom used to tell me to make a pro/con list for just about everything. I've done it a few times on whether or not to take my medications or drop them to "detox" my body. It usually turned out that my pro list to get off meds (i.e. side effects, dulling, time, money, etc) was much longer, but the cons to going off the meds held much more weight (i.e. lose job, lose life, lose friends, lose mind, etc). Slay the beast!
I agree with sophger. I found that over time the effects of the medication subsided, I no longer felt dull, slow, in a cloud. I did find that quitting drinking and smoking were a major cleanser for me both physically and mentally. And while I hardly eat what could be considered an organic balanced diet, I do try to not sit down and eat a package of Oreos like I used to.
Absolutely, Scott. Exercise has also been an amazing cleanser for me - sweating the nastiness out. And the "side effects" of adrenaline and increased ability to sleep are nice side effects :)
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