I think enough time has passed that I can finally write about this. It happened several months ago, before I got sick, during morning report at work. We were still listening to report on tape (now we do this face-to-face with the shift before us). I was in my normally cheerful and bubbly mood at 6:30 a.m.
Allow me to preface this by saying I work at a RELIGIOUS hospital. Not just the name of the hospital is religious, but most of the people who work there are right-wing, bible-thumping, conservative Bush-loving Christians. Reason #1 that I am not well-liked. Probably if I kept my mouth shut before spouting invective theories as to why Bush should be executed impeached would keep me out of half the trouble in which I find myself. Ironically, the chaplain, Daniel, is my strongest ally. I love this man. If he weren't married and I wasn't gay, I'd definitely try to hook up with this guy. But I digress...
Reason #2 I'm on most of my co-workers' Shit Lists (they would never use that term...they might say "Poopie List," which is probably why I cuss so much around them): It all started with a report of a woman who was suffering from post-partum depression (with a little psychosis thrown in for good measure). She decided one day that her infant needed to be cleansed of bad spirits and lowered the baby into a tub of scalding hot water. FIGHT that initial reaction just for a second. The woman was fucking insane. She was not in her right mind. She heard voices and believed God was speaking to her. She actually believed that the only way to cure her baby was to cleanse her in this manner. I felt that. I ached for her. I was just about to say, "That poor woman..." when the charge nurse slammed the tape recorder off and said, "This woman should be burned alive!"
What followed were comments like, "She should be boiled alive," "She should be stoned to death," and "Skinning her alive wouldn't be harsh enough." I sat in silence until realizing they were waiting for me to say something. I did. I said, "Would ya listen to all the Christians."
They stared in shock. Because the silence filled the room with such discomfort I thought I should say something else. "Judge not, lest ye be judged." That didn't go over well either.
I looked around the table. "He who is without sin, let him cast the first stone." The charge nurse restarted the tape. Their abject hatred for me at that moment was palpable. I'm sure they thought I was this heathen lesbian who was going to burn in hell for eternity. I thought it was just funny as hell. I did. I giggled over it all day.
The giggling stopped when I saw the way they treated this patient. They didn't look at her. She was given her meds without explanation of side-effects, without question as to how she slept the night before, without the supreme empathy someone like this would need to get over her tremendous guilt. She wasn't assigned to me. She was handed over to a nurse who hated her. The patient's baby was in the neonatal intensive care unit and my co-workers were tossing this woman into a pit of fire and damnation.
I talked to her for forty minutes. What I heard was heart-wrenching. She had cleared enough to realize what she had done. She knew she was going to jail upon discharge. She wanted to go to jail for what she had done, believing even that was not enough punishment. She knew she would have to live with this horrible action for the rest of her life. And she knew that we hated her for it. "They won't even look me in the eye...and I don't blame them." I did.
When I returned to the nurses' station a co-worker said, "How can you stand to be near her?! I can't believe you can even talk to her!" I answered simply, but in a very low voice...perhaps even a menacing voice, "Who the fuck are we to judge her? You may have your own ideas about what she did, but if you can't provide empathy to this patient, you are in the wrong fucking business."
Now, I'm not all high and mighty. There are patients that I can't stand (borderlines mainly). But if I can't recognize that, eat it and spit it out to maintain my fucking professionalism, I'm not fit to care for these patients. Period. We are not always going to be faced with a depressed patient who has no reason to live. We are not going to always have patients who are psychotic but colorful and profound. Sometimes we are going to have patients who rape and beat women, who molest children, who steal things for crack, who drink up their children's college funds, who abuse animals and set fires. Sometimes we are going to be faced with the ugliest and profane of all human beings; dirty, filthy, disgusting pieces of dung who have committed the most heinous acts against nature, and if you can't handle that, you need to get the fuck out.
There is no beauty found in dumping an infant into boiling water. There is no poetry in that. It is the most horrendous thing you can do to another human being. There is a knee jerk reaction in hating someone for that. There is a near homicidal rage, a feeling of wanting to exact punishment...an eye for an eye. But getting beyond that, reaching into the guts of that and feeling what this patient must be going through, that is where the poetry is. That is where the lesson is. That is where God speaks.
So they hate my guts. So they use every conceivable thing I do wrong as reason to report me to the supervisor. So they don't speak to me unless it's nurse-related. I don't give a fuck. What I did care about was getting as many patients out of the dayroom when the police came so there would be no gawking when the handcuffs went on. What I did care about was what the patient said to me right before they led her away. "You were the only one kind to me."
My challenge now is getting over my dislike for the contemptuous, holier-than-thou bitches I work with. I have to have empathy even for them.
Speaking as a Christian, I think there are a lot of "Christians" who are going to be unpleasantly surprised when they sit down with God to review the video of their lives...
it's easy to judge, but it's not easy to put yourself in someone else's shoes. i'm glad you were there to give that woman the care she needed.
I too would have empathy and understanding for this woman. But I honestly think given the fact that I am one step away from her (lucky my hallucinations when maniac have never been violent) it gives me a better realization of the nature of hallucinations. That is probably true for you too.
And I don't like the borderline's either. It was my dreaded fear when they were tossing around diagnosis for me in the beginning that I would end up being one of them ;)
Given the present circumstances in my life with my ex being forced to leave by the police for domestic assault and I am not going to drastic lengths to avoid the abandoment issue I'm sure I am bipolar like they say.
Awesome. I am so tired of all the hypocracy in the world. No, not world. America. I will keep it local. Thank you for sharing this. You done good.
Let them squirm. That uncomfortable feeling they have is Truth, mirrored. And that's not always very pleasant to see, in the mirror.
Other than that, how're you doing, darlin'?
Ultimately, YOU are the one doing your job by providing care to these patients professionally. Your co-workers are not doing their jobs by making judgements and doing as little as possible for a patient because they don't like them or what they've done. I'd point this out to your supervisor during any future conversations about your performance (or perceived lack thereof). It sounds to me like you have plenty of concrete examples of this behavior and you may even want to document specifics. In case it comes to that.
There should be more like you in the world. It takes spine to do what you know is right in the face of group-think opposition. I hope that if I ever find myself in need of such care, that someone like you is there to provide it. Thank you.
I suggest you memorize Matthew chapter 25, verses 31 through 46, preferably in the King James version; it sounds more impressive.
Wow doesn't seem to cut it.
Yet another potent post.
Compassion, respect, and perspective, two things obviously lacking in your co-workers.
Good luck in overcoming your own revulsion of your co-workers. Do it for selfish reasons, for your own comfort levels while at work, rather than for the co-workers themselves.
Sometimes the worst enemy of the psych patient is the psych nurse. Good to see that you aren't running with the herd.
I too work at a psychiatric hospital and have and similar patients. I loose my cool with fellow co-workers who develop judgements about our more difficult patients. I too am bipolar- and nothing is more frustrating when professionals who are supposed to be compassionate say things that are insulting. None of my co-workers know that I am bipolar- so when we get a difficult patient- they just let loose. I know I shouldn't take things personally- but it hurts my feelings. They aren't just talking shit about our patients- they're talking shit about all bipolar people- they're talking shit about ME. Thanks for your compasion- the field needs more people like you.
What a gut-wrenching post. Besides the fact that you honorably did the right thing by offering forgiveness to this woman & standing up the those who didn't, you wrote this admist very recent posts where you have felt and written from emotional darkness. You sound so much stronger in this post. I thought it important to point that out.
I often feel that reaching out to others in their darkest days pulls me out of mine, often unbeknownst to me.
tracy, a few weeks ago you mentioned that you'd lost god and couldn't find him. I think you've got a better relationship with him than most of these alleged women of faith you work with.
i went to an evangelical college, surrounded with the sanctimonious, holier than thou, my god is bigger than your god bitches that you work with. i've watched from a distance as their marriages fell apart, their kids turned to drugs, their husbands came out of the closet. 22 years of this unfolding and i look back and recall their smug "I'm a better christian than you are" tone they took with me back in the day.
these women don't know faith, they don't know service, they certainly do not know compassion.
you are a better witness to the gospel than they ever will be. keep up the good work of channeling kindness, helping those who need, and in turn -- you will be rewarded, i know it.
blessings be to you sister.
A further thought: some times the patients can be as cruel as the nurses. A fellow bipolar criticized a fellow for having a "deficiency" of some kind. Where the hell does she get off?
My mum was (now retired) a psych tech, a state worker in a SED childrens' unit, for over 40 years. She retired a little ahead of time with the change of regulations and the closure of so many hospitals.. most of the people she was comfortable working with got out and the people that were left were closer to prison guards than techs or rns. Where was I going with all this.... the system sucks. You've got it tough working under a religious bridge especially with your values at hand. She believes her co-workers were absolutely nuts and fortunately for her, she liked most of them. But she didn't mix politics, religion and in being taught in keeping a distance from her patients (which she ignored on a casual, practical, professional basis) she took it to keep a distance from some of her co-workers. Most psychs won't go in for an evaluation on their own. Besides half of them have been administering some of tests for most of their careers and most people would answer a test for what they know the 'right' answer is as opposed to true. And being around patients that much, you occasional pick up a quirk for a while. There's a lot of people that don't need to work in this field, but the sad truth is... the good ones usually get out quick. And the ones that are willing to stay around are the jaded arseholes that are so removed from understanding anyone else that they can't even view them as people, let alone equals in the terms of humanity. You've got a tough road if you're expecting to see any of that change where you are. But at least there you're making a difference, even if you just able to take one moment to let someone be 'heard'. And if it wasn't for a few intolerable people... the rest of us wouldn't have moments like these to read. So I say reign on with your dislike... I am sure a few of them have some decent qualities, but I hope they're all mostly evil pricks a good portion of the time, so I can have something good to read every once in a while.
Wow. Very powerful post! Very poignant. I'm speechless as to what to say in this comment....except that I'm definitely going to add you to my bookmarks!
"Would ya listen to all the Christians."
Bravo, Tracy! Hopefully you forced them to at least think twice about the situation.
http://www.crazytracy.com/mt/mt-tb.cgi/799
Excerpt: I typically find that most of the best examples of Christ's message don't think of themselves as good Christians. And...
Weblog: Solonor's Ink Well
Tracked: November 13, 2006 09:55 AM
