May 12, 2008
KID ON THE CORNER

I have a little problem I've been turning over in my head for about a week. It involves a kid--not mine; someone else's kid--who is heading for nothing and nowhere fast. We'll call him "Matt."

Matt is a friend of Tasha's who she met through some other friends when they were hanging out at the mall. Over a period of about a year, Matt and Tasha got closer and closer and decided to date. They broke up after a very short time and Tasha's heart was broken. A little while after that, they again met up at the mall and started going back out again--and by "going out" I mean simply that they talk to each other on the phone and hang out at the mall. (We keep very strict tabs on Tasha.) And here's why...

Matt is the kind of kid I've always referred to as a "nowhere kid." He's 19 (Tasha is 15). He dropped out of school in the 8th grade. He's been arrested for possession of drugs, has been on probation, has violated probation and does nothing all day but play video games. He doesn't have a driver's license, no G.E.D., and no hope for any kind of future. He has two siblings that live with different fathers and he lives at home with his mom and grandmother, neither of which he gets along. His father left home when Matt was one. After that he had two step-fathers that didn't like him very much. He was once kicked out of his house and had to live in a shelter.

He said something last week when we gave him a ride home from the mall that perked up my ears. It was simply this: "I can do anything with electronics." Since then I have him on the path to a Bachelor's Degree at ITT-Tech. I'm not kidding.

I took him today to the orientation to the G.E.D. at the local college. I had to pick him up and will have to drive him home. He has to go again tomorrow to take the practice test. If he scores high enough, they'll schedule him to take the actual test. If not, (and he says he's not very good when it comes to reading and writing), I will have to tutor him.

After that, I'm going to get him a study book from the license bureau so he can study for his driver's test. I don't think any of this is a lot to do. It's mainly just driving him places where he can work on getting his life together.

But the big picture bothers me. How far do I think I can take him? He'd qualify for all the financial programs and grants offered at any local college, including ITT-Tech. With a bachelor's degree in electronics, he'd be set in life as to career and stability. He also likes to take computers apart and put them back together. The future could be very bright for this kid.

But tangible things pose problems. He doesn't have a car. His mother and grandmother share a car. He'd have to get a job to save enough money to buy a car before he could go to school, but how will he get and keep a job if he has no way to get there? His criminal record could pose another problem. Will it effect his getting a job in the first place? And then there is still the car issue.

And why do I care? Well, someone has to. But I think it stems from my friend Susan and how she helped me through school. She let me live in her house. She got me a car. She paid for all the food, all the bills, bought me clothes (and maternity clothes) all in exchange for me watching her daughter a few days a week. I guess I'm trying to pay-it-forward. And there's something in this kid that I believe in. I don't know what it is. It's just a feeling, I guess.

So, do you think he stands a chance? Or am I just a big fool?

Crazy Tracy | 02:33 PM | comment (6) | trackback (0) | view »
 
May 08, 2008
NO HOME FOR TEARS

LTD's mother is in the hospital. After entering the hospital to have a hysterectomy, she ended up getting the gamet of post-op complications and has been in ICU for eight days. She has tubes going in and out everywhere, is not breathing on her own and has been sedated into unconsciousness since after surgery. The doctors have given her a poor prognosis and she remains in critical condition.

LTD and her mother are very close and this has put LTD under an incredible amount of stress. She has cried in her supervisor's office. She has cried with her co-workers. She has cried in her mother's room in front of the nurses there. I suspect that if the mailman asked her how she was doing she would just break down in sobs. But she won't cry in front of me.

I know people handle stress differently in different situations. I've seen some of the "toughest" people go down in a heap of despair under lesser situations. I've seen the "weak" rally around their families and keep everything together. But I don't know why LTD keeps her tears from me. And what can I do really? I just sit quietly next to her and watch her fight for composure, watch her battle fear and pain that is too big to stand up under. I just sit quietly.

I've never been through this with anyone before. Are there things I should be saying? I don't buy into the everything-will-be-alright bullshit or it's-in-God's-hands mentality. What do I do? How can I help her if she won't let down her defenses enough for me to get through?

Say a prayer, light a candle or send out good thoughts for LTD's mother. We need help here.

Crazy Tracy | 04:23 PM | comment (8) | trackback (0) | view »
 
April 23, 2008
2x4 CLUB

It is said in the lesbian community that butches are clueless when it comes to someone hitting on them. They have to be hit over the head with a board to finally notice the flirtation...thus we say they belong to the "2x4 club." LTD is a butch, NEVER notices when someone is flirting with her (and I have proof of this because she missed the signs when I was hitting on her), has to confirm that someone has said or done something to her "out of the way," and blushes like crazy when proof of this has been presented. I've had to hit her over the head so many times it's a wonder she has a neck left.

So today we went to Fox & Hound restaurant to play pool and when we walk in the door a very cute, very blond 18-year-old waitress starts checking her out. And I mean like giving her a slow once over, up and down, followed by a big smile. We walked by her. She ended up being our server. She was VERY solicitous, checking on us every fucking five minutes, filling LTD's drink to the top after just a few sips...shit like that.

We had to leave earlier than expected to pick up Spencer from school and get this, this bitch gives LTD the bill with her name and total circled with hearts! Her name was "Michele" and she put a little heart around it. And she circled the total with a heart. And she wrote "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" on the top of the bill (LTD had a birthday coupon, which is how she knew, but I digress). Fucking hearts.

Still LTD doesn't think anything's amiss. Now GET THIS! I had to use the restroom before we left and made LTD go with me. This chick was in a position where she could only see LTD, who was trailing me by a few steps, walking in that direction. While I'm reaching for a paper towel to wipe my hands, this woman opens the door of the bathroom, sees me, and then TURNS AROUND AND WALKS AWAY!!!!!!!!

I know it may seem like I'm making too much of this, but LTD insists the chick wasn't flirting with her and I've been smashing that 2x4 over her head all damn day long. I said, "We'll see what my readers think! They'll give us an honest assessment." And please know that despite whatever LTD may write in comments, I have not embellished this account in any way whatsoever.

So what say you, dear loyal readers? Was this flirting or not? Swing the board.

Crazy Tracy | 07:36 PM | comment (16) | trackback (0) | view »
 
April 22, 2008
LEAVES

Color is everywhere. The trees all look so beautiful. The weather is warm. LTD and I are planning a vacation to Florida in June. I'm still not going out of the house and my symptoms are sprouting up here and there like mad, but life continues to go on. Yesterday my doctor put me on yet another new medication. When I ask him to discontinue some, he adds more. Maybe I should tell him I need more medication and get the results I need. Everything is reverse psychology with them.

My food is poisoned. No matter what I eat, it makes me sick. The medication is toxic, I'm convinced. I wish I had the time and money to go to one of those spa get-aways where they totally cleanse your system of everything. I don't think I'm going to feel good until I'm clean. And putting these chemicals into my body every day and night is not helping. I can avoid food...I do it easily by just eating when LTD is around. I'm not purging, though I've thought of it. I'm losing weight.

And every once is a while, I feel myself being taken over. LTD has been a life-sustaining force. She keeps me grounded. She keeps me safe. I wish I could let her totally inside my brain--she would so slay this beast. It doesn't seem like I can do it from the outside, but I have my own ammunition. I'm looking forward to going to Florida, so I can't be sick. I can't go into the hospital. My family is depending on me to stick this through. And I will, as long as the toxins don't overwhelm the system. Poison. How insidious it is!

I fight. I fight. I fight.

Crazy Tracy | 04:01 PM | comment (4) | trackback (0) | view »
 
April 14, 2008
MICROSCOPIC EXAMINATION

My medicine is making me sick. I think I may be toxic and I don't want to take it anymore. I'm sure the food I ate yesterday was poisonous and now I'm afraid to eat. I think this way of looking at these things is totally...I can't think of the word...logical? It seems paranoid, I know. But if someone's paranoid about being followed and they really are being followed, does that make them so? I know a build-up of chemicals in the body can cause toxicity and that's what is happening to me. Every night LTD brings me my medicine, I want to smash something. I'm going to be very careful about what I eat. And I'm asking my doctor tomorrow about taking me off all my medicine before my kidneys and liver shuts down. These things can happen over a period of time and I've been taking these toxic medicines for a very long time. Something is changing in my body chemistry and the only way to stop it is to change the thing that's causing it. I can't sit around and wait for my liver to shut down. I want to try a holistic method of control. Vitamins, supplements. Healthy alternatives. I don't think this is so far-fetched.

The thing is this....symptoms are appearing magically because I'm looking so closely for symptoms. What is not there appears out of nowhere because I'm looking through a microscope at the possibilities. I am swirling through tunnels of symptoms and collecting these abberations because my keen watch has alerted me to the possibility of those symptoms being present, even when they're not. It is a microscopic phenomenom. One little half sign becomes a full fledged symptom, because I'm looking so closely. I'm not sick. I'm not going to be sick. I'm on full alert for the beast to come knocking on the door so every little sound outside is that beast, even though it could be nothing more than rustling of leaves, the wind blowing against the window. I'm afriad to open the door.

If you don't see an entry for a while after this, you'll know the beast got in. I'm not going in this time. I'm going to run like hell.

Crazy Tracy | 08:27 AM | comment (11) | trackback (0) | view »
 
April 02, 2008
MANIA OR SIDE EFFECTS?

Last night was a bad night. My medicine made me high as hell and when I went to bed, the bed started spinning and my lips were vibrating. I had to get up and do the dishes, clean the kitchen and do a load of laundry. My thoughts were racing and I had an internal sense of total restlessness. I couldn't vacuum because it was 1:00 in the morning so I just laid down on the couch with my eyes open and stared at a picture on the wall.

Some might think that this was an episode of hypo-mania but wouldn't any normal person do those things if she couldn't sleep? Don't people sometimes get up and clean the house when they're wide awake during the wee hours of the morning?

We are in a precarious situation here. I know every year I say I'm not going back into the hospital but this time I mean it so much, they'll have to get a court-order to get me into the place. I'm just so against going back in. The thing is this: I was so depressed that anything seems like hypomania now. Having energy and getting things done around the house looks manic compared to my sleeping 18 hours a day. We have to look at symptoms closely and there's such a fucking fine line there. I'm waking up now at 9:00 a.m. on my own and staying busy all day. I'm still sleeping about 8 hours a night, my speech isn't pressured and I'm able to finish projects...so things are okay.

This new medication is one I took last year and it made me manic as hell. We started on the lowest dose possible and it seems to be working. We just have to be verrrrry careful.

Why am I so scared?

Crazy Tracy | 11:37 AM | comment (9) | trackback (0) | view »
 
March 26, 2008
SUNLIGHT

We've been doing some gardening around the house, and by we I mean LTD. She found some black piping that snaked around a few trees near the edge of the fence. Someone who lived here had, at one time, planted a flower bed that has since grown over with grass and weeds. LTD put down some landscaping tarp over the area and we covered it with pine needles. There's also a little patch of land behind the house perfect for planting flowers. She bordered that with wood. It looks very pretty.

What is it about getting outside in the sun that boosts your mood? It is almost a given for me that I'm going to feel ten times better after being outside and yet, I avoid doing so unless forced. Planting flowers must be a type of therapy in itself and I look forward to putting flowers down. What kind, I don't know. I want lots of colors, vibrant petals that will thrive with little care. I've not had much luck in keeping flowers and plants alive. I killed a cactus once. I'm appealing once again to my readers for suggestions.

Do you garden? Do you grow vegetables? What makes your garden grow?

Crazy Tracy | 07:22 PM | comment (16) | trackback (0) | view »
 
March 25, 2008
LOOKING UP

I've been so depressed lately that it's hard to write about. My birthday was wonderful and temporarily lifted me out of the doldrums, but the muck is so thick, I have to paddle hard and fast against the tide just to keep my nose above water. I've had no energy, no motivation to do anything and have been isolating myself in the house to the exclusion of everything in the world. Nothing gets me out of the house. Nothing keeps me awake. I've been sleeping my whole fucking life away. I can't describe what pain it is to sit on the couch and do nothing but stare at the wall. I get up and pace from room to room, stopping here and there to touch something, pick up a book, straighten a cushion. Mostly I've slept...18 hours a day, waiting for Spencer to get home, waiting for LTD to come home from work...waiting for something to happen. Still, when the phone rings, I don't answer it. If someone comes to the door, I don't answer it. It's all I can do to let the dog and cat in and out. They are my main companions every day and they tire me so easily. I've just squandered away all the hours in all the days and have been hanging by a thread, waiting--hoping--it would snap, if only to get my attention and make me look at this monster of sadness. It has been like a wall of pain that I can't climb over. I've become so exhausted throwing myself at it that I don't even try anymore. Each day I wake up, I look at those long and looming hours like enemies, like torture from which I can't escape, and not even tears move me into a forward motion. I've been statued and stagnant, unable to even lift my arms to fight, not even caring whether this thing kills me or not, and realizing that I'm alive only because I have no choice, that I have to live for Spencer and LTD, that there are no other options. I've been half crazed and dazed inside the minutes that seem to strangle me with their absolute tenacity.

Today Dr. K put me back on an antidepressant. It's been over a year since I've taken one because they seem to induce mania in me. We'll just be watching closely. There was just no choice but to do it. Something has to give. I can't go on like this anymore. The rope swings overhead so closely that I can hear the threads cutting through the air. What makes people reach out for it? What makes someone make that final decision to put the noose around their neck? I don't feel the choice is mine. I couldn't do it to Spencer. I couldn't do it to LTD. I couldn't do it to my mother or to Susie or to Daniel. What a totally selfish act suicide must be. But what pain there must be in that, to do it inspite of everything, inspite of everyone. I've made the conscious choice not to kill myself, inspite of myself. I have to get busy living, or die trying.

Tonight LTD and I are going to make a daily chart of activities that I can follow to keep me directed. If you have any suggestions I'd love to hear them. We need all the help we can get at this point.

Crazy Tracy | 07:36 PM | comment (13) | trackback (0) | view »
 
March 19, 2008
ANOTHER YEAR

I have been sick as a dog for ten days. It started last Sunday with a slight fever and body aches. It progressed to the worst cough I've ever had in my life. The whole respiratory thing was just excrutiating...and the cough has lingered on and on without relief the whole fucking time. I haven't even been able to smoke. I'm pondering if I should just stop now or not. I haven't been able to finish a sentence without taking a breath in the middle and was thinking that if I keep smoking, I'm going to end up like this anyway. So...I've temporarily quit smoking.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 44. I'll be 8 years older than LTD. I'm practically robbing the cradle with this one. She seems oblivious to it, though. She has the whole house decorated for tomorrow and already gave me one of my presents (a spa day for an eyebrow wax and a pedicure). I've never had a pedicure before so I'm totally excited about having it done. I do expect to have lots and lots of sex, too. Yummmmmmmmy! I won't be blogging tomorrow.

Crazy Tracy | 08:59 PM | comment (13) | trackback (0) | view »
 
www.crazytracy.com
E-mail Me
NAME: Tracy
AGE: 44
BIRTHDAY: 3/20/64
KID: Spencer
PARTNER: LTD
JOB: Psych RN
ASSESSMENTS:
A to Z
100 Things
100 Gay Things

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Last 5 Entries

KID ON THE CORNER
NO HOME FOR TEARS
2x4 CLUB
LEAVES
MICROSCOPIC EXAMINATION




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