help him all you can, someone did it for me. It may not work out, but you may be offering this kid the only chance he has to use his skills in a legal, life-building manner, it would be easy for him to make $ doing illegal stuff with electronics.
Good job!

They all have a chance, if they just see it as a good option and take it. You're no fool for helping him, you're giving him the chance, and he has to choose whether or not to take it, and take it seriously. Don't worry about the future, take care of the present. If the kid is worth it, and feels he is worth it, he'll follow up on what's being offered. If not, it's not your fault. You gave him a chance.
And, good luck Matt! You can do it, we all have challenges, and it's the ones that stick to it and see the greater goal that get through all the days leading to that goal.

It would have been so easy to write off this kid. In fact my daughter was seeing a "Matt" and I dare say I was not nearly as gracious to him as you describe here. So, while humbled, I applaud your big heart. Now to speak to what I did not practice.....he deserves a chance, everyone does. Will he make it? Who the heck knows? I don't think we can ever know the answers to those sort of questions. We can only do the right thing now. You are doing that. He then needs to pick up where you leave off and take it to the next level. Whether he does or does not is not on you.

Thanks for reminding me to treat the next "Matt" differently.

I say "go for it"....but, then, that is who I am. Helping others is Christianity in action. People can spout Bible verses and go to Church everytime the doors open - they are not necessarily Christians - helping and believing in the goodness of others is "where it's at". You will never regret helping another human being. But, you will always wonder "what if?" if you don't! Pay it forward!

everyone needs a chance. it's wonderful that you see something special in matt, see what he could/can be. i say do as much as you are comfortable doing. perhaps tutoring him will help bring you out of some of your depression. it will give you a purpose and something to plan for. in turn, you will be giving someone the chance at a better life. it sounds like he has no one encouraging in his life. he probably thinks he's not worth anyone's time and might respond positively to your help.

but, keep in mind that you can only take him as far as he's willing to go. you can't undo his past or solve his baggage. don't be too surprised if later, he slips back into his comfort zone. i've had this happen to me on a couple of occasions. do not take it personally.

paying it forward is a WONDERFUL thing!

also, i was thinking of Tasha this weekend. i have a friend from college who is now Nicole. i got to meet her for the first time this weekend and it was great to finally catch up. i'm very glad she's happy as who she is just as tasha is! let tasha know she does make a difference and that's she's wonderful for being herself!

Does he stand a chance? Of course he does, particularly when there are people in his life who, in various ways, tell him he has a chance by investing and believing in him.

Are you a big fool? Of course you are, it's foolish to invest in people who could and might let us down. And thank God for all the fools who invested in each of us, right? Maybe this kid will fail, maybe your investment will be wasted. In terms of making a bet, this might not be the smartest bet, which is what people consider foolish. But you're not investing to receive something back only for yourself -- and that's what's foolish. And that's what love is. Man, love is ridiculously foolish! And some dude said the same thing in the Bible -- the Gospel is foolishness.

And what you're doing is the Gospel. And that's true no matter what happens.

I look forward to your posts but I must admit I did not like seeing this one. I will say a prayer for LTD's mom, LTD, and you.

I think sitting quietly with her is a great approach and I will bet she appreciates it tremendously.

You could try to guess why she cries in front of everyone but not you....but since you are not her, not in her head, you would probably be wrong. She may not be able to articulate it. So rather than worry about that, sit quietly. An extra hug or two. And ask her what she wants.

Again, my prayers are with you.

tracey,
she may come completely undone if her mother passes and you'll be asking yourself, why, oh why, did i want her to cry for me. Be prepared... you may be the recipient of those tears. i pray for ltd and for her mom, and for the hands of help around her. i truly hope that if she can pull through that she do so with flying colors and surprise you all. and that if she cannot, mercy will descend with grace and kindness upon her.

just be there for her. you don't need words. you just need to be ... strong and wonderful for her.

good luck, good mojo, good will.

Awww... I am so sorry. This is such a hard thing, what to do when someone you love is trying to keep it together as a way of maybe protecting you from a really stressful situation.

I think the best you can do is what you are doing: quietly and calmly being with her and doing what you can do to help with the mundane, day-to-day stuff she usually manages for herself. That would be making sure that she eats and drinks and sleeps enough to stay strong during this ordeal. It's really easy to overlook taking care of yourself when you are totally focused on the welfare of someone else in worse shape. Another way you can help is your knowledge of how hospitals and health care treatment teams work. Ask the questions she doesn't think to ask, if you can. Put your nurse's hat on and keep a critical eye on LTD's mom's care. You know this stuff and it might help LTD to know that you understand and are keeping tabs. Remind LTD about FMLA in case she is worried about taking the necessary time off from work to take care of her mom. She could go ahead and file those papers with her personnel office NOW rather than later.

Hugs to both of you. Here's hoping LTD's mom pulls through.

Your family is in my prayers. - Sophia

"We must never despair; our situation has been compromising before, and it has changed for the better; so I trust it will again. If difficulties arise, we must put forth new exertion and proportion our efforts to the exigencies of the times." - George Washington

I can't really say anything that hasn't been said already, but LTD may feel she has to be strong in order not to give you anything else to worry about. It is so hard when something like this happens; a procedure that people think of as routine going so wrong. I will pray that she recovers. Your background knowledge is a real saving grace, definitely.

maybe hold her hand, other than that, everyone has said it hugs and thoughts for both of you

LTD's mother is doing a wee bit better. Thank you all for your comments and prayers.

i just said a prayer for both of them. i have no idea what the right words are. i think the best thing you can offer is to just be there. be there if she needs to just sit and stare off into space. be there if she needs to rattle and ramble. be there if she needs to clean the house and cook dinner and keep control of everything she can control. most importantly, let her know you will be there to talk to her and comfort her if or when she is ready. that is all you can do my friend.

Flirting. Definitely. But you know, who cares? You love LTD and she loves you. That is what matters.

Not flirting! This was blatant, throwing oneself at another person! However, I agree with Scott. And I'll add...a "baby dyke" rarely has manners or class, with all those raging hormones. I should know...was a "baby dyke" not all that long ago. :|

I am an occasional commenter who has recently changed screen names and blog, due to an internet stalker.

LOL... I'll give you the "flirting" and raise you the "flirting with intent"---that's what my GF calls it when somebody is really putting the hit on, not just being overly friendly just to be flirty.

How nice of LTD NOT to notice--bet it drove lil Michele a bit crazy not to get a rise.

Yup!! 2x4 Club Member!! Bet she was broken hearted when she wasn't able to slip her phone number to LTD!!

Well I'm not a lesbian and then one time a woman WAS hitting on me I didnt figure it out for a very long time so............ but my best friend is a lesbian and she says yeah so I trust her judgement. If a waitress had done all that to a guy I was with I would have said Flirting!! and not only flirting but blatant disrespect of me and my relationship.

I second - third? - the "flirting with intent" remark.

I would say that LTD's reaction (or non reaction) is because she only has eyes for you (cue music). Therefore any advances by another, regardless of how obvious, go unnoticed. I think I would take that as a compliment :)

Flirting. Absolutely. My girlfriend is far from butch but she doesn't notice when people flirt with her either. I no longer point it out to her when people do it, who wants her learning to recognize it???

As an upstanding butch 2x4 Club member myself, I can say that 'lil Michele was *definitely* flirting - with intent (the bathroom move secures the intent).

I totally feel for LTD though - I can see it when it's happening to someone else, but if someone is hitting on me? Utterly clueless. Why is that?!?

Too bad you weren't still in the stall when she walked in. Nothing like giving her a little rope...

Definitely flirting!

haha! Why do you want people to vote? Are you hoping prove you were right? Add my vote on the side of 'hitting on her'. (What will happen when you finally convince LTD that you were right about this?)

Was the babydyke flirting? Most definitely. Did she lack class and style? Most definitely. Does a butch know when someone is hitting on her? Most definitely. As any "good butch" out there knows, to react to outright flirting breaks the butch code of integrity and subtley. A good butch always plays clueless....a GREAT butch would never react or acknowledge overt flirtations in front of or to her date. Butch code, although not spoken aloud, is written in stone. (pun intended) Of course, all bets are off if any party is inebriated.

I'm learning so much! :)

Regardless of gender or orientation, that was clearly "hitting on" and not just flirting. Probably a sign of her youth, but it does make me wonder: What might young waitron have done had there been no one else in the rest room with LTD when she poked her stupid head in the door?

Totally flirting. No question, no doubt.

I tend to judge flirting solely on concrete, scientific evidence and not based on any one person's experience -- particularly the experience of the party attached to the one being flirted with.

That being said, it was flirting. Drawing hearts on the check is concrete, obvious evidence of flirting.

My comments were down for a while, but everything appears okay now. C'mon, I know you're out there!

Keep fighting! The meds suck, but consider the alternative. My mom used to tell me to make a pro/con list for just about everything. I've done it a few times on whether or not to take my medications or drop them to "detox" my body. It usually turned out that my pro list to get off meds (i.e. side effects, dulling, time, money, etc) was much longer, but the cons to going off the meds held much more weight (i.e. lose job, lose life, lose friends, lose mind, etc). Slay the beast!

I agree with sophger. I found that over time the effects of the medication subsided, I no longer felt dull, slow, in a cloud. I did find that quitting drinking and smoking were a major cleanser for me both physically and mentally. And while I hardly eat what could be considered an organic balanced diet, I do try to not sit down and eat a package of Oreos like I used to.

Absolutely, Scott. Exercise has also been an amazing cleanser for me - sweating the nastiness out. And the "side effects" of adrenaline and increased ability to sleep are nice side effects :)

I really hope the beast decides to go somewhere else. I'm hoping for comfort for you.

Have you seen What About Bob? Maybe you should rent it.

You know your system best and if you believe you need a cleanout then go for it.

I really know what you mean about seeing symptoms because you're looking for them. Being bipolar does that to you doessn't it?!

All the best. I hear Valerian and Magnesium and Omega oils are great for support emotional distress should you need it.

I'll be interested to hear how you get on.

Be gone beast!!!

Thank you acorn, but Tracy won't be getting off her medicines. We are going to tame the beast with medicines. How many people out there agree with me?

Tracy and LTD, I understand how your body can feel toxic and the wrong meds can make you feel toxic. That is real. Maybe some people can take alternative meds but it sounds to me like you need the right meds. My partner worked with holistic supplements and she said they are not the best for folks with definite symptoms such as with bipolar. Tracy it sounds like your system is sensitive and that may make it hard to find the right meds. I encourage you to keep trying to find the right meds from pdoc. Your fear of being hospitalized is probably making you extra suspicious, you don't sound paranoid to me. I may have said more than you both wanted but I was a therapist for many years and had bipolar many more years. LTD I hope you trust your gut and know I support both of you. Feel free to contact me for support. Annie

Tracy...

Keep your mind where your body is.

Breathe.

Get outside.

Walk.

You can do these things because you know they will help.

You can stay on your medications. Especially now.

If you want to add some supplements, fine. Given your general health, a multivitamin with iron would be a good thing, as well as a fish oil supplement (Spectrum makes one that is free of heavy metals and mercury contamination), since Omega-3s have been implicated in mood stabilization. American Ginsing is another good addition: it helps with physical stamina and resistance to infection.

LTD, thanks for hanging in there.

i'm thinking of you and sending an extra sword for slaying your way!

LTD & Tracy -

Slay the beast, let LTD carry the torch.

Tracy - you better stay on your meds unless that pdoc tells you otherwise. This itchy, uncomfortable panic is part of the disease fighting from being controlled. I know it's hard - GOD, I know it's hard! - but try and slow your thoughts down. Breathe deeply. Dara is totally right - get some sun during a nice long walk, take some supplements, drink plenty of water and good fruits/veggies. You can do this - think of your kid, of LTD.

LTD - hang in there with our girl. You're good people to support her like this. Please know people like Tracy and I are so grateful that loving, determined and supportive partners are there to help carry us through.

Prayers and providence for you both.
-mercurial

Holistic meds are for people who arent really sick. Thats what I think. They work great for someone who has the "I dont feel like to going to work on Monday blues" They are useless for bi-polar depression. Its like throwing an acorn at a polar bear. Every once In a while I get the idea that I cant afford the topamax and the seroquel is making me fat and I would be better off not taking them and I start tapering myself off. Within a few days I am prostate with depression. While those meds are not putting back to work they are helping somewhat and somewhat is better than nothing.

Trace... Hang in there. With every breath you take. By your fingertips if you must. Yes, every thing I've said it's pretty much a cliche, but it's what you must do. Agree with Dara's suggestions. One moment at a time.

LTD, adding to what Mercurial Scribe said... don't give up, don't let up. And if either of you need anything... I'm just an email away.

You are scared because no matter how many time we go in these circles, it is a new and scary event.

We're not set up to hear our brains lie to us. When they do, it is confusing and we can't fix it and it is scary. It scares all of us who live there.

Hang on - it will make its way full circle again.

Tracy, It is understandable you are afraid. Is the fear of the of the hospital or other stuff? it sounds like you are doing ok with 8hrs sleep and being productive during the day. I am always mistrustful of the manic because it so sneaky! I sounds like you can see it coming, maybe you need to trust yourself more? Then the rest of of the fear is anxiety that goes with the manic. At least I have plain anxiety with my manic. Take care
Annie

Just wanted to say 'Hi Tracy'. I found your blog from a link titled Best Ten Bipolar Blogs (wow, does that create it's own funny pressure?).

I agree with you - there is such a fine line between what others might do, and what is a symptom. I guess it's a case of context and degree (I'm a ex psych nurse so it's great to meet another person who has lived both sides so to speak).

I've been having the problem lately where either I sleep 12 hours a day or I barely can sleep at all. My husband thinks I'm just being lazy, but I swear it's side effects of the medicine.

Anyways you didn't do anything I wouldn't do if I couldn't sleep. It truly is a fine line. It's hard to tell if it's an "episode" or just something normal related to the medicine.

Hang in there. Things have a way of working themselves out.

Ok I know this is going to sound stupid but I can't help myself: if you are having a episode of mania could you please just take it out of yourself and send it to me? I am coming off of Chant1x which seems to have made the lamictal totally useless...I am so aggravated/angery or down right depressed most of the time I am sick of me and going off the Chant1x a week early. (Btw it did work, I quit smoking for the first time in 19 years *minus the nausea parts of pregnancy when I stopped smoking*) The only thing that has made me remotely human the past 8 weeks is liberal dosing of Ativan when I feel like I am going to kill someone or beat the shit out of the walls (not that I didn't lose some minor hardly used cooking dishes...I HAD to break something!!!)
So I am not making fun or anything, nor am I really wishing Mania on you, I am just wishing I could feel something new, and at this point Mania looks good.

Sounds hopeful to me. Yes, I do think you handled the side effect (yes, I think it was) like a "normal" person would have handled it. You didn't waste time lying in bed worrying about sleeping/not sleeping; instead, you got up and did what you could to calm yourself. I hate side effects...especially the ones one gets from starting/ramping up or tapering off a medication. I don't think being scared is odd at all. Be brave and see what happens, though. You know our body chemistry changes constantly: what made you manic as hell last year might just work better this time with careful management.

"Don't people sometimes get up and clean the house when they're wide awake during the wee hours of the morning?"

I do. All the time. Especially when I'm upset or aggitated beyond belief (as in, whenever I have any contact of any kind with my family). I always thought it was normal. And then there are time times where I've got shit on my shoulders and I can't sleep at all. That's when I reorganise the apartment.

Lately I do a bit of a baking a few nights a week and that seems to keep me settled down and ready for sleep throughout the week.

why are you afraid? you said it yourself- this same med sent you manic last year. That seems like a pretty rational reason to be scared to me. ((((((Tracy))))) Im guessing antidepressants and I have quit taking those myself as they pretty much always send me into "ugly mania" or nearly kill me with side effects. I hope this works for you this time and that your fears turn out to be for nothing.

No, I don't get up and clean the house during the wee hours of the morning when I can't sleep. But then, I don't do it in the middle of the day either! And I'm not normal either. :P Before anyone worries that my house is nasty I will mention that my partner is an excellent house-keeper!

de lurking...but we always have a lot of luck with Wave Petunias (Homo Depot variety). They are not hard to deal with, have beautiful rich colors, and are very easily maintained. They also bloom all the way up until first frost (we have had them last well into October / November). They also spread, so if you wanted to plant them in a flower bed, they will take off. They have a really dark purple / blue color that is one of my favorites, they also have a vibrant red and beautiful dark pinks as well as white. You can also get them variegated. End of novel :)

Excuse my ignorance, but what is "variegated"? It sounds complicated.

Tracy, What a great idea to get outside. I have the same reaction to going outside when I am depressed, it is as though the sun hurts. Maybe it would help to go out in the shade if you are reluctant to go outside.
I love the idea of doing a garden. The only way you destroy a garden is when it is out of balance with water and fertilizer. Miracle Grow is a safe fertilizer and make sure the plant does not sit in water(well drained) but regular watering. Variegated is two shades of the same color,they are beautiful.
Enjoy your garden, this is the most important part.
Annie

There is something about the sun and warmth that elivates moods...perhaps only slightly, but it does happen. My depression always gets worse in the winter months...slight SAD perhaps. Two winters ago my pdoc "prescribed" a tanning booth(getting sun in the winter naturally is not an option here)! Once a week, with heavy sunscreen, not to get a "tan". It really helped. Last winter and this winter my mood did not crash at all. I'm not bipolar, but my best friend is ,and I have noticed over the years that her moods appear to respond (positively and negatively) to the weather. Maybe this is true for you as well.

My daughter suffers from depression and when she was in Michigan at college she never got to see the sun in the winter. We got her a Seasonal Affective Disorder Lamp and she sat under it and read for 30-45 minutes a day. She said it made a big difference.

I kill plants too. Get a book on what is native to your area and stick to those things. Plants that will grow no matter what!

You sound a little better. I'm glad.

variegated means that instead of being a solid color the flowers are like ummmmm spots or blotches of different colors in one flower

Grow zinnias! Colorful, easy and prolific.

Will Petunias and zinnias grow together? Or will they cancel each other out? I'm very excited about getting these flowers and I'll be sure to post pictures.

Yea for sunshine and gardens! :)

Variegated means 2 colors within one plant. The white variegated wave petunias will have a deep pink color that runs throughout the petals. It looks as if someone had painted a stripe throught the center of the flower petal.
There is also vareigated mondo grass (I grew up calling it monkey grass) it is a border grass that is easy to grow and also spreads. The leaves are a dark green with a lighter yellow outline.
Good luck and let me know how it goes (pics please) :)

I like to grow allysum. I buy it already blossoming in small plants from the graden shop and by mid spring it begins to spread and flourish. It smells fantastic and the blooms last all summer. It always lifts my mood, especially in the evening after a hard day.

Yes! gardening is one thing that keeps me tuned in to the rest of the world, to the passing of the seasons... and gives me some good stuff for the table as well. Peas are really really easy to grow from seed. They don't get too tall and don't need staking, and nothing tastes better than fresh peas from the garden. Even if you only get a few, they perk up a salad. I also grow green beans, pole varieties. They climb their poles by themselves, and once they start kicking out beans, you may be overwhelmed. Tomatoes are a bit more picky, but if you have rich soil and hot sun, go for the Sweet 100s... cherry tomatoes. Use compost everywhere, no need to chemical fertilizers if you shovel some compost every year.
My very favorite flowers are the spring bulbs. I have daffodils, iris and freesias blooming now. The great thing about bulbs is that you do nothing but plant them. They'll come up next spring, giving something to look forward to, as well as a great burst of color and life at the end of a long winter. Bulbs really aren't in the garden shops now, but in the fall, grab some and plant em! If you live in a place where the ground freezes, include some tulips and crocuses. Those like the freeze, and won't really bloom well w/o it.
For this year though, I'd recommend some cosmos. They come in pinks and whites, and look like daisies, kinda. Just get the seeds, if you like, strew em around and keep em moist, and when they sprout, don't pull em up thinking they're weeds ;) If you let them go to seed, they'll come back for you year after year.
I used to garden for a living, back in the day, and one thing I always told my clients (here in CA where we don't have extreme seasons) is that I really think having a garden which changes all year improves mental health. Plant trees that drop leaves, bulbs that only bloom for spring, food plants that need a specific season to grow and mature. I really think marking the passage of time with progress and change in the garden gives something to look forward to, as well as some kind of reassurance that the world is moving at its own pace, and we are mere observers.
Good luck in the garden Tracy and LTD! I hope we hear more on this front.

I'm trying to grow a garden for the very first time this year. I'm growing strawberries, tomatoes, green peppers, and potatoes. I'm not having much luck yet. I hope they start growing better soon.

Walk around your neighborhood and see what most people are growing and what looks big and healthy in the flower beds that face the same way as yours. Get some of that. Go outside often to look at your flowers and smile.

Hi Tracy,

I never could garden. I always killed everything I planted. That is until I found bromeliads. They aren't garden plants but when they do bloom they have the prettiest flowers. I'm bipolar,too, so I know how being around plants can help with depression. That's where I have most of my problems is with depression and it helps to get out and go for a ride around and look at all the trees and other plants. Anyways, try finding yourself a good hearty plant and give it a try at growing it. Take care and God bless.
Bobby

do you have a camera? it might be fun to see some shots of the flowers!

During the times when I have been as depressed as what you just described, a whole day of activities was just to much to even contemplate much less attempt to accomplish. What I did was force myself to at least do one thing a day. Somedays that thing might be take a shower. Other days something bigger like doing the laundry. But no matter what since I have had ECT , every day I have to accomplish at least one thing. Better days of course I accomplish more.

Thanks, Raine. I know it's been very hard for you recently. I hope things are getting better.

Tracy, I was blessed to find your blog a few weeks ago when I was in the midst of something similar to what you are experiencing now. It was if you were writing what I was thinking except elucidated much more clearly. Today's posting solidifed that - as much as it may be difficult to write about, you write very succinctly, honestly, poignantly, and frankly. When I get that low I can barely move or talk - I am amazed at your strength. I've read it at about four different points this morning and each time wanted to comment, but didn't feel that my words could match what I really want to say to you in my heart. I'm still not totally sure and this totally doesn't do it justice. I am really glad that you have such strong support and reasons to live.

I have found that when I'm feeling that way, I often throw myself deeper down the never-ending pit by berating myself that I'm not able to do more. To that end, I would recommend taking it easy on yourself. You work hard and I'm sure you deserve a break. Also making small goals, like taking a shower and then when you've accomplished it, give yourself a pat on the back and make the next goal. This may sound silly, but recently I have found puzzles like easy crossward puzzles or word finds to be an excellent distraction for those really long hours. I have insomnia and they also help me to fall asleep. They are distracting, but easy enough that they don't take too much brain power which is understandable short when you're feeling the way you are now.

I also just want to say that you are an inspiration. I, for one, really appreciate and look forward to this blog. I've been struggling with bipolar for 10 years, attempted suicide a few times, been hospitalized numerous times, had ECT, and been on every medication in the book. I've also read just about everything I can get my hands on relating to bipolar disorder. Your blog and the way that you write is the first time I have really found someone that writes the way I feel (but don't write probably due to lack of courage and talent). I am tempted to recommend your blog to nonbipolar friends of mine as an example of the way it REALLY is. (I haven't because I'm not out yet and I don't want anybody to figure it out). You are an inspiration and greatly appreciated.

So, thank you. I'd say, "hang in there", but I really hate when people say that to me because I can't help but think of a noose. I'd say, "good luck", but I don't think you need luck. What I am going to say is, "you are loved", it is hard to see when you are stuck in the scary, scary cave, but I know that you are.

unfeigned, Sophger

stick with it. This too shall pass. I've been there. God bless - John

Tracy, It is hard to read about your pain but it is a statement of how much you are facing up to the depression. It seems this is like a lifeline for you and I encourage you to keep going. What I also find helpful is to get some clay and work with it, shape a peice on what the depression is about. My last serious depression I made me melting into a recliner. About the issue with taking your life. It is a double edged sword when your choice is taken away it leaves you even more vulnerable to the depression but then you do stay alive. I am glad your are staying alive but understand the pain of living. I agree that it might help to ease up on yourself during the day. It sounds like you are doing a lot to just get up and around. I guess it might be helpful to do things to nurture yourself, what ever those things are for you.
I hope things get better! Annie

I too will refrain from advisisng you to "hang in there", Tracy. My depression led me to alcohol (surprise, surprise) and a suicide attempt last November. Detox, rehab, and ongoing psych care (including antidepressants) have been helpful. Stick with it. John

The most succinct comment I have is: ditto. To practically everything you wrote. It feels never-ending. In a recent Dilbert comic strip, one of his responses to his mother's question of 'how are you' was "I look forward to the comfort of the grave." I'm not suicidal (like you, I feel responsible to people and my animals). It means exactly what it said. I look forward to the comfort of the grave, and honestly wish that once we die, it's all over. I'm just so tired from this life and the thought of going through more after this is overwhelming. Unfortunately, I don't think it ends when we die. Big sigh.

I hope you feel better, even just a little bit, very soon. Take care-
Mary

I agree with Raine. A whole day of stuff is too much and would scare me into doing nothing. Pick one thing--one thing, and do that. And the next day, pick one thing--another thing, different from the day before, keep variety in it. You will feel better.

Scott

During some of my worst periods of my illness, I bought seeds and planted them in little pots on my window sill in my kitchen. I found that I looked forward to seeing them poke out of the soil and grow a bit each day, and having them in the kitchen rather than the bedroom forced me to get out of bed to go look.
I hope you get relief soon.

Thank You!

How about a cup of coffee with me? ;) How long has it been? Two years? 15 months? 27 months? I've lost track of time.

((((Tracy))))) You are still fighting the good fight. On your list of things needs to be something physical--even if it's just touching your toes and doing some simple stretches (I know you went to yoga for a while once). Another thing on the list: sit in the sun for 20 minutes.

Do you have a timer? One problem I had when I was extremely depressed was estimating/comprehending the passage of time. A timer, set to an interval, helps with completing a goal. You can do anything for 5 minutes (or 10 or, when you're feeling a bit better, 15). In the beginning, even just working 5 minutes towards a goal (and then setting the timer for a rest period) is an accomplishment.

What is it, do you suppose, about planting seeds and sunshine that makes a depression lift a tiny fraction, even for a few hours? Perhaps planting seeds is like planting some hope...?

I have no answers for you. Wish I did. Chin up, kid. You can do this. You're stronger than the depression. You know it, and so do your readers.

Two things:
1) Stop now.
2) HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!!!!

Happy Birthday Baby!!!!!! The best is yet to come. You are not robbing the cradle . I'll be 37 in less than a month so it's only 7 years . According to "some people" (you know who you are) I look older :) Love You

Happy B'Day! Now you are officially older than me! Remember, you froze me at 43?

Happy Birthday!
I hope you feel better soon!

YES on the quitting now!
Consider it the best birthday present you could ever give your body!

Hope you had a happy day!

Happy belated birthday, Tracy!

I turned 39 this January, so for the whole year I get to say, "I'm 39 and holding... till next year, of course."

Hope it's your 44th is be best ever.

BTW, my mother has a rule of thumb to know if you're dating too old or too young: plus or minus ten years. If you fall within that range, you're dating someone within your age bracket according to her, and she's very strict about her dating rules. When I was in my teens it could only be +/- 3 years, when I was in my 20s, it could only +/ 5 years. I got a bump after I hit my 30s. Dunno if any of that helps, but what the hell, right? :-)

F*cking nominal anomia. Sorry about that middle sentence. I meant to wish you the very best 44th birthday ever. Fricken brain farts.

Happy belated Birthday Trace!!

And quitting the smokie treats is an excellent idea! Just turned 49 a little over 3 wks ago, and my gift to myself was to quit smoking!!

happy bday!

I hope you had a good birthday!

Mmmm. Pedicures. I had my first one 3 years ago and it changed my life. I don't even want to cut my own toenails anymore.

Oh. Those massage chairs. Lovely.

Enjoy!

Susie....I froze you at 42. I'm two years older than you now. Just curious, does it just keep getting better and better for you too?

Definitely quit, you will be so happy you did.

And Happy Birthday!