I am glad the medicine is helping. I hope the fog lifts and you feel more comfortable reading and writing. Try not to think so far ahead (not be able to work or drive)....let it play out. It may work out better than you think. I certainly hope so.

I know it's hard to count your blessings but it's worth trying. You have many. I'm glad to know you, sick or not. You're still you, ya know?

You have this in common with the rest of humanity: you are your own harshest critic. Lighten up, my dear. You know this illness of yours goes in cycles. Better days are ahead.

How's things with LTD's family?

Dara...LTD's father says he's never felt better. He starts chemo next week. Her mother is in a nursing home, learning to walk again. We're just breathing in and out. Thanks for asking.

we are bi-polar.fact. we are sick. fact. however, we are not dead. fact. Live goes on and we go on and tho you may not see the future at this time it doesnt mean you dont have one hun. Maybe you wont go back to work. Maybe you will. Maybe you will find new work. Maybe you will find something else that fulfills you and that you enjoy . You dont know what the future holds.

I like the sentence "The other day I was sitting on our swing out back just enjoying the trees and the birds." Go back to that. Can you sit outside and enjoy the birds in the hospital? Or for that matter, when you're manic out of your head? Any moment that you can sit outside and just enjoy your surroundings is a perfect moment. Steal them every chance you get.

I hope your illness releases it's grip on you soon.
I have been 'stable' for long enough now that I have started thinking about stopping my meds, that's how I know that sneaky beast is still with me, when I want to stop the meds is when I need them most. Best wishes.

i am so scared right now too. i have been diagnosed bipolar for 2 years now and this past year i have been living with my finace and another couple. although out lease doesnt end for another month, they have moved out, because we've had roommmate problems. however, yeterday the girl emailed me the most nastiest email claiming that they moved out becuase i am bipolar! here's an excerpt from that email: "Throughout the whole time we've lived there, you've burdened us with your psychological problems and your extreme mood swings. I'm letting you know this because I think it's only right that in the future, you should inform potential roommates about your mental disorder so that they can make the informed decision to live with you or not. I feel that most people would not willingly choose to be subjected to your behavior."

i could not believe the contents of this email!!!!

is there anyone who could help me fight this sort of rentl discrimination?? isn't there anyone who can help me???????

i'm waving to you from just above you in the same hole. we'll survive this bipolar thing together. safe hugs.

Tracy, don't forget to breathe---preferrably fresh air, outside. ;) It helps. It really does.

And btw... you do realize,don't you, that you have made it through the entire month of July without an admittance? I think that calls for some kind of celebration.

Try writing lyrics instead of prose. Think of it as an experiment in "anything goes". You might create something amazing. :)

ok-I'm gonna drop dirt down in that hole, one shovel full at a time. You stamp each one down and step on it as they come. Eventually that hole will be filled in and you can climb back out

Hey! Raine, good idea. There's a song about that! ;) Tracy, go listen to it. It's called "Donkey Song".

Deb....are all those your songs? Did you write them and sing them? That was my first time to that site.

Ha! You didn't say if you liked any of them. ;) Listen to "Broken Wing" (on the Weird Duck cd). See if you like it.

I guess I should have posted the link again - http://www.efolkmusic.org/ArtMusic/ViewDownload.aspx?a=0&AID=1439#

Do keep writing.

Keep writing.

I've never had the shock. I have developed memory problems, due to many of the meds I've had to take over the years...you describe the feeling perfectly.

I've been told it's permanent.

So, I learn to deal. I relax and don't chase the memories. They're like kids who are playing hide-and-seek. They want to be found...so if you stop looking, eventually they show their faces and you casually reach around and snag 'em!

There ya go! Advice you never asked for...heheh!

Memory loss has been one of the things that haunts me. I never had ECT, but have been on meds for years now. I never had a great memory (which I laughingly write off to years of substance abuse) but the truth is between that and the meds my memory is very poor. Memories that should be very distinct, things my girls did, I do the same "cover up" routine you talk about. Books I've read that should be memorable to me I can not even remember the plot line. Movies? Forget about that. I am roughly your age and it terrifies me to think of what is going to happen as I age.

So that is me at my worst. At my best, I enjoy the beautiful sunrise I just saw and treat these memories as banjk suggests--I just quit trying to grab them. See the movie again, reread the book, let my wife regale me with the stories of what our girls did and be glad I'm still here.

Hang in there. Keep writing.

When I had ECT I lost about a year and half- two years worth of memory. I never got it back. I just hear stories of what happened before and after. I do have one or two little flashes , thats it. I can relate

Hi Tracy! I'm nominated you for an award at my blog again. Come and see me, okay?
Hope you are okay.
HUGS
Terra

Thanks, Terra. I'm honored.

Let's just say I have what I call "the Wellbutrin years". For three years or so I was on the various incarnations of Wellbutrin, which has had an effect on my memory similar to yours. There are whole chunks of time I have no recollection of. I'll tell my Husband "I really wanted to see that movie!" and he'll look at me and say "We did. In the theater with our friends." I'll stare at him, racking my brain for even a glimmer of recollection only to turn up empty handed.

"Sorry - I don't remember."

But he just smiles and holds my hand. "I figured - the Wellbutrin years. Want to see it again? You liked it the first time."

Apparently there's a lot of things I've enjoyed twice for the first time.

The writing helps because only I blog or write in my journal and there it is - my words, my story. I imagine this is how an Alzheimer's patient must feel. But at least I know it happened - hell, I documented it!

It never occured to me that my meds would be responsible for memory loss....I am prone to that blank stare occasionally when someone is recalling a story as well. Not nearly to the degree I am sure you are suffering from ECT.

I was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder yesterday...although I have long suspected it. Your blog has been an inspiration for me to get help.
Thank You!

Go back to your nursing, "When in doubt, do nothing", you are doing all you can by just being there to support her through this.

Sit quietly, listen carefully, hug her incessantly and just be there. There is no magic in these situations, no one knows why these things are piled on certain individuals and not others.

The others have put it perfectly.. just be there and willing to provide lots of hugs and support.
My aunt had pancreatic cancer - she had a Whipple procedure and it bought her another year. My Mum died of multiple myeloma. All I wanted was friends to just Be There. It's the hardest thing but the most valuable and the most memorable. It's all that matters.

Pancreatic cancer is lethal but unpredictable (like lots of cancer, unfortunately). Some people outlive their prognosis by quite a bit; my dad outlived his "get your affairs in order-4-6 weeks to live" by many months.

You don't have to do anything, Tracy, except be there, be present, for LTD. She doesn't know what to do, either. None of us do when it comes to losing our parents. Doesn't matter whether they're in their 60s or their 80s, it's still painful and difficult to wrap your head around the fact that they really are going to become unavailable to you on this Earthly plane. Tell LTD, from me, that my experience has been that they may go, but it's amazing how much they are still present in my life. *sniffle* She'll get through this, too.

Oh, and as soon as possible, her dad should get hospice involved in his care. Hospice makes a world of difference in the whole end of life process. They are experts in an intensely personal business and very, very helpful.

Of course be there for hugs and all but some of the most valuable things are little things. Grabbing a soda and bringing it to a hospital room, getting some fast food so cooking isnt nessecary,anticipating that she isnt thinking about picking up that prescription or paying that bill or..........and taking care of it for her. Little things like that can be immensely helpful for her and make you feel useful also. There will of course times for handholding and hugs and moral support but when these fail, I go for useful myself. After T died his sister's significant other had a heart attack and she was right back in the same hospital, alone and frightened. I brought her an ER survival kit. Diet coke, a huge chocolate bar and kleenex. It made her laugh, gave her comfort and then we sat outside and I just let her talk. She said it meant alot to her - those little things.

i am praying for ltd and her family!

Hey Bloggy Friend!

This Sat, July 28, I'm blogging for 24 hours to raise money for Band of Parents, a non-profit to raise money for pediatric cancer research.

Please follow along with me at:
http://www.bloggingforkids.shebecameabutterfly.net

And donate:
http://www.change.org/myfundraising/BoPBlogathon

It would also be wonderful if you could email this info to your email address book! I want to raise $2,000 for these amazing kids!!

Hugs, She

I don't think it is dead unless you want it to be dead. Your doc is right--you need to be doing this. I never saw the previous incarnations of your blog; about being a psych nurse, or undergoing treatment. I have only become familiar with you recently. And I look forward to your posts. Some make me smile, some make me sad, but I am glad to be reading them.

So keep it up. And ignore your friend.

Whether I have always agreed with you or not, I have continually come back to read and see how you are. My compassion for you, for Tasha / Spencer have not died. I've been through at least three girlfriends that I am aware of, and agree totally that LTD seems to be the best for you. I may no longer talk to you on the phone, and I may no longer email you... but rest assured, I am still here. Still reading. Still checking on you. Still.

as always, i'm thrilled when i see an entry from you pop into my bloglines reader. I say "Oh! Tracy!" and no matter the subject, content, theme... I'm happy to read your voice.

To steal from monty python, you should be saying "I'm not dead yet. I feel better. I think I may go for a walk..."

love you

cg

Some "friend" is what I'm thinking.

The only thing constant is change. I don't see your blog as moribund simply because it changes. Your writing is still compelling, interesting, touching, amusing, and otherwise a welcome read.

Keep up the good work. ;)

Please?

I have been reading your blog for awhile (can't remember when i started) and I really like it. please keep writing, if not for you, because I know that feeling of having to force yourself to do things, but for the people who read your words (me being one of those people). Thank you for having a blog that I can relate to.

I think your friend has their own psych issues and needs to fuck off. Your writing is so very blunt and poignant. Your blog definitely will be published as a book someday. I have enough faith in that for all of us. I only wish I could make it happen for you. Please, please, please...keep it coming.

I'm still here, and that's all that matters. This blog is really all about... me. Me, me, me... I won't soon forget you defending me when the fire-breathing, flame-war dragons came calling on my blog several years ago, and so, I remain your faithful, loyal, friend and reader.

Tess

I am the "friend" that Tracy is referring to. As usual, she is leaving out the context of the conversation where that comment surfaced, but this is her blog and she can rewrite history as she sees fit. I am commenting so that you all know that I am the "friend" that she is referencing.
Signed,
"the friend who has her own psych issues and needs to fuck off"
:-)

I don't know that it's dying, but I do agree that it's changing. And that's totally cool; if it didn't change it would get boring. Besides, our lives change, and a blog - at least as I understand what blogs are meant to be - should reflect what happens in our lives.

So, yeah: keep writing. And for you, not your readers. People complained when Bob Dylan released "Nashville Skyline" (and rightly so, it's terrible) but the compulsion to stay true to one's artistic vision is what makes Dylan a living legend. That's what artists do.

I have been reading this blog for many years, although I'm not sure I've ever commented (well, maybe once). Yes, things have changed here, and yes, it's essentially an entirely different blog now, but I still find your genuineness, your painful honesty, and your passion for living -- no matter the hurdles -- to be compelling, well-written, and more than worthwhile.

It sounds as though Kim meant her comment differently than you perceived it, but regardless, it is your blog and you should know that there are many of us who quietly continue to read your powerful words whenever you manage to post.

Tracy... as others have said... change is only natural. If your blog didn't change along with you and your life, it would be false. Dying? I think not. Changing? Of course... along with you.

I got hooked on your blog 5 years ago when you were saving a family of feral cats. Your writings intrigued me at the time, and when Portia et al stopped being a focus, I kept being an avid reader. You have been through so much and are such a terrific writer.

Of course you change as has the blog.
Don't stop writing...or changing.

i am still here.

Your silent friend/reader in Minnesota is still here. My life just wouldn't be complete without your blog. But no pressure or anything. ;-)

I think I know what Kim is trying to say. Your blog used to contain little anecdotes from your days as a psych nurse - needless to say, always entertaining! As I see it, you are now on the "other side of the desk" and your day to day life no longer contains stories about other people - rather your constant struggle to "maintain your own sanity". I have to admit hearing about the characters you took care of was mind boggling - but now it is just as important to hear how YOU are doing and for you to have a place to put your thoughts down on paper. Keep up the good work - I am sure the day will come when you once again entertain us with stories - no matter from which side of desk you are writing! (Notice I did not end that sentence with a preposition)

I'm still reading you in Bloglines, even if I haven't been commenting so much.

I've read you for years, and will continue to.

I've been reading you for a number of years and am still here.

i totally understand where you are coming from. Im bipolar. I'm a 25 year old electrician that has been doing it since i was 17. I started off as a extremely out going , hungry and a eager to learn kid. After 7 years of hard work and loving my job I was promoted to foreman. my job profited and things were going great. I knew mentally something was wrong but work keep me going. I'm in a certain branch of my union that doesn't make as much money as they other but I applied 4 times and knew i was more than capable to do great things in that field. I was extremely upset when guys that worked for me got promoted ahead of me. shortly after I was demoted because a managers son took the next job that was ment for me. it took the wind right out of my sails. after that i couldnt even get out of bed to get work on time. started missing days and wondered if i could even do this anymore. after 7 years with a clean record i was fired. I had to go on disability for 3 months. I go back aug 3rd and feel like a new man 5 meds later. keep doing what your doing . have to believe big things are coming

How you judge your blog depends on the criteria you use. I have never liked popularity as a way to determine success. The context of blogging has also changed dramatically since you first started. But I'm still reading you.

If you blog, you blog...that simple. I'll e-mail you and share rather than tie up your space.

Hahahah.... You asked a stupid question, so you get the stupid answer:
Because without the meds, you really are crazy ;) ----at least some of the time, yes?

I'm so glad you are feeling good-er and good-er. It's been years since you've gotten to enjoy the summer and this one so far has been really nice.

Dara, you sound like LTD. Have you guys been talking?

i have the meds, when am I going to find the love?? hehe.

May I suggest a salad with greens, tomato, avacado, apple and walnuts (optional: red, yellow and orange bell peppers, sprouts, grapefruit, sunflower seeds, artichoke hearts, bits of lean meat .... ). Much fiber, little fat. It doesn't have to be boring. :)

... and, if you eat chocolate, the ones that list cocoa ahead of sugar are supposed to be the healthier choice.

And did you know that sweets that are labeled "sugar free" also serve as a laxative? Don't ask.

Tracy,

I started back on WW today too. This will be my umpteenth time, but I have got to get the weight off too. I had lost 25 pounds and was able to quit taking BP meds, then gained it all back (plus 10 more besides). So it's back to the BP meds, and like you say, I HATE stairs.

If you want, we can support each other (or at the very least, sympathize with each other). Send me an email any time.

N.

Fantastic news about LTD's mom! That is really great to hear and a big relief for you guys I know.

I'm also glad you had a good vacation. You deserved that. I am impressed you saw gators in the wild. We always wimped out and did the Gatorland routine.

I'm sorry to hear about your father (and Tasha's too). My therapist tells me that parents do the best they can and we need to recognize that. That may be true sometimes, but not always. I am not sure why a father would cut a son/daughter out of your life because of their sexual preference. That is just so unbelievable to me. I am sorry that you and Tasha have that hurt. But you love each other, LTD loves you and know that there are many that love you.

I'm sorry for the loss of your father

Damn Raine, I just read your comment over and over and over. It made it seem so real. I guess it is. I guess it's going to take a while for it all to sink in.

Wow_ I didnt mean to make it worse hun. Still I do feel it is a terrible loss and I am so very sorry that you have had it. (((((Tracy)))) It is his loss also doubly tho undoubtedly he doesnt realize it.

I'm sorry you got sick, but how sweetly you were taken care of. I love the maxi pad. It is absorbant and sanitary. I was just thinking of the ones I have in the car for female emergencies. Then, I got to thinking that I need to make sure I have them along with something to hold them tightly in place because they would be the best improvised thing to use in a medical emergency. Funny where my mind wanders when I'm stuck in traffic. I have no idea why I just shared this being I've never been to you blog before. Just strange I guess.

A maxipad LMAO!!! That is just too funny!! gotta love her just for that, much less her patience and kindness and tolerance!

How very lucky you are to have found someone like her!!! You have been blessed, for sure.

HAVE A GREAT TIME (despite the heat)

this is irrelevant to your post but I just read your 100 things and I have to comment. I was hung off a 3rd story balconey by MY ankles just cause the asshole was drunk and thought it was funny. I have been afraid of heights ever since. I never would have thought anyone else had had a similar experience. Perhaps we can have a study done on being hung from upside down from heights as a new cause for bi-polar eh??

I think I was manic at the time I agreed to it, so that might blow your theory. But alcohol played a part in both our experiences, so we might be onto something there.

Oh you were co-operating. Its different then. Nobody asked me if I wanted to.